The Laws of Life
by A. B. Flarain
Summary: A look at the most famous subversion of Super Robot Anime, through the lawbook that governs the entire genre. Instead of the spineless, nameless, testicle-less tutor, Shinji receives a mentor that teaches him of the rules that govern the universe. This fic rated M for MANLY!


So I know it's a pretty common trope to do "What if Shinji was raised on/by X" stories, in the same vein as _Shinji and Warhammer 40k_ , but I've strangely never seen one done on The Laws of Super Robot Anime. If you don't know what that is, I highly suggest you Google it; it's hilarious. If you found an image of a list in red font on a black background, you've found the right thing.

I've found some where Shinji was raised on Mecha anime in general, or was a generic hot-blooded protagonist, but nothing with this list specifically. Which I find odd, given what a great subversion Evangelion is supposed to be. What's odder still is that I still think the show follows most, if not ALL of these laws.

This story will not be an attempt to re-write the series from start to finish, like the above mentioned stories (I've already got a big fish to focus on). Rather, I'm going to look at specific scenes that focus on each law in turn. All these will be in the same timeline, so you'll see hints and callbacks (Like the shoulder pylons in this chapter), but they follow the order of the list.

Don't expect this to be updated quickly, this is just for when I have to scratch the Mecha itch. If this _has_ been done before, please point me there, so I can save some time.

Oh yeah, I think these things are supposed to have some sort of Disclaimer. Been slacking on that.

Disclaimer:

 **WARNING!**

The following contains _intense_ scenes of MANLY ACTION. Viewer discretion is advised. If you are squeamish, of delicate constitution, suffer from seizures, asthma, diabetes or indigestion, it is highly advised that you MAN UP, HEAT your BLOOD, and tell those pussy ailments to go F*CK THEMSELVES. Brace yourself for HOTBLOODED ACTION, high-flying battles, passionate romances, EXCESSIVE CAPS-LOCK, fast friendships, GIANT ROBOTS, MASSIVE weapons, LACK OF INSIDE VOICES, GIANT robots making EVEN GIANTER ROBOTS, and CATACLYSMIC KICK-ASSERY. If you find this content offensive, kindly go F*CK YOURSELF with a BRICK.

* * *

 **1.) COURAGE CAN TURN 0% INTO 100%.**

* * *

He had to admit, it was the oddest way to get Déjà Vu. Slumped haphazardly against something hard and gritty, left arm broken beyond any sense of feeling, the gnawing sense of death crawling around in the back of his mind as he watched an empty-eyed monolith plod menacingly towards him. Ah, such was the life of a super robot pilot...

* * *

"Unit one's gone completely silent!"

"Misato!"

"We've got no choice. Abort the operation! We've got to rescue the pilot! Eject the entry plug!"

"NO!"

 _The whole of Central Dogma went quiet. The fresh pilot who just had his arm broken and right eye gouged out (albeit only psychologically) was the_ last _person they were expecting to object. Shinji's comm window flickered to life on the main screen. Through the static of a dying battery and wrecked nerve connections, he was trying to look as imposing as he could, while still clutching his head with both hands._

"I won't back down!" _He shouted at the camera, throwing his fist forward for emphasis (while still cradling his pounding head with the other),_ "You said it yourself: I'm the last line. If I give up now, the whole city goes under! I won't back down! Even if he breaks both my arms! And one of my legs! I won't run away! I WILL FIGHT!"

"The Eva's reactivating!"

"Never forget the first rule of life: COURAGE CAN TURN ZERO PERCENT INTO ONE HUNDRED PERCENT!"

"Berserker..."

"FLYING KNEE PRESS!"

"Unit one's sync rate is skyrocketing! 75...82...95 percent!"

"I...I think we broke him."

"Sync rate stabilized at 100 percent!"

"GUESS WHAT, You little two faced bird _bitch_! Number twenty-two applies to your body too!'

"So when you said 'berserker,' did you mean the Eva, or...Shinji?"

"GIMME THAT RIB!"

"Um...yes."

"BONE SUPIIIIIKAAAAA!"

* * *

 _That seems like so long ago,_ Shinji mused grimly, as an explosion splintered his chest armor into thousands of flying pieces. He sat in his entry plug with arms crossed and eyes closed, his sense of feeling having ticked away with the last few seconds of his EVA's power.

 _I've learned so much since then...made so many new friends...so much from all of you..._

 _Misato..._

 _Rei..._

 _Asuka..._

He extended his arms in the plug, loosely gripping the butterfly controls as the plug rocked from the angel pounding his core.

 _Touji...I'm so sorry I dragged you into this...Hikari...even Kensuke..._

 _Kaji..._

The rocking intensified, and his grip tightened. _I'll make you proud...I'll make you all proud!_

 **TH-THUMP**

 _Heh. I must be really getting jazzed up. I can feel my own heart beating._

 **TH-THUMP**

 _I can feel the EVA's heart beating...and we are in sync._

 _I still haven't forgotten the first rule of life...and I will not run away._

"YO! Listen up, you skull-faced penguin _bastard_!"

The massive Angel paused in its assault, one paper thin arm poised in an arc, and twisted its head slightly to the side.

"Your opponent is Shinji Ikari! You think you can just pop me open like a can of tea and beat me?! HELL _NO_! I am the son of Yui Ikari! I will defend the Earth! You think you can just come in here, hurt my friends, hurt my planet, and do whatever you want? THINK _AGAIN_!"

"Unit one is reactivating! Sync ratio is already 100 percent!"

The giant purple humanoid slowly began to rise from its reclining position as two giant speakers crackled to life from the shoulder pylons.

 _~Zankoku na tenshi no you ni~_

"I still can't believe he convinced you to install those."

"Neither can I, really."

"But I'm _so_ glad he did."

Ritsuko Akagi sighed. "You would."

 _~Shounen yo shinwa ni nare~_

"For my mother...For my sensei...For my friends..." Shinji spoke more calmly as his unit reached its full height, "I WILL DEFEAT YOU!"

Having heard enough, Zeruel struck again, jabbing forward with the arm it had kept up all this time. Quick as lightning, Unit 01 shot its hand forward, and Shinji focused all his AT-Field into it. The angel's paper-thin (but heretofore strangely durable) arm shredded apart as it met the Eva's open palm, sliding across the fingers until it had extended to its full length. Eva Unit 01 closed its fist. Trumpets blaring from its shoulders, the Eva pulled with all its might, yanking its opponent straight towards the Eva's waiting foot. It flew back almost like a yo-yo, bouncing off the Eva's front kick. The paper arm ripped clean at the shoulder, and the angel ground to a halt after skidding through the trees for several hundred feet.

The Eva stood, hunched in anticipation for a moment, before discarding the shredded remains of its opponent's arm with a disdainful side toss and taking off at a full sprint.

"BESERKAAAA KNEE PURRESU!"

The Eva leapt forward and turned a complete forward flip in the air before driving both of its knees into the angel's face. Shinji wasn't sure if the angels were even capable of expressions, but he liked to think he saw Zeruel's eyes (well, eye holes) widen in surprise.

Pressing his advantage, Shinji spun his mech and gave a heel drop that put a little distance between the two. Zeruel stayed upright during this trip, and Shinji only had a second to register the power shining from the angel's face before he was sent rocketing back toward the pyramid of NERV command. Shinji clutched at his gut as he brought his mech to its feet.

 _Ugh, stomach feels like it's on fire. Right, he blew away my armor, need to be extra careful._

Turning back to his adversary, Shinji noticed with a grim nostalgia the sickly white glow behind its eyes.

"Oh, sonova—"

Eva 01 leapt and rolled to its right as a white-hot blast of pure energy lanced over it, sending rock and dust raining everywhere from the mountain behind. Having its adversary on the run, Zeruel did not appear to feel the need to charge his beam to its fullest potential and kept Shinji jumping and rolling across the subterranean forest.

 _This is ridiculous! I can't—YEOUCH!—Keep this up!_

Shinji elected to keep his mech prone after the last blast grazed his back.

 _I need a pla—what the hell?_

Glancing down to think, he noticed something odd: he could see the butterfly control console _through_ his hands. Distracted for a moment, he examined his arms, turning them over, back and forth in the plug. Both arms were translucent up to the elbow.

 _Huh. That ain't right._

Shaking his head, he brought the Eva into a crouch and returned to the problem at hand.

 _He's firing faster, and I can't get close like this. I can dodge, but I can't keep dodging forever._

His head snapped up, eyes bright with hope.

 _That's it! Why dodge when you have a shield? But I don't have a shield._

He ducked his head in momentary disappointment, trying very hard not to think about why his arms looked like a cheap movie effect right now. Suddenly, he smiled, and looked up slowly again.

The Eva rose again to a fighting pose, feet spread, fists clenched at its waist. Zeruel fired again.

"Rule twenty-three! **YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!** "

Back at the mountain entrance to NERV, six pairs of eyes widened in shock as the energy blast glanced harmlessly off Unit 01.

"Shinji's sync rate just spiked to over 300 percent!" Maya called out, head whipping between Ritsuko and her laptop in fear and amazement.

"Unbelievable..." Ritsuko murmured to herself, "How could anyone go that high?"

Shinj wasted no time after the blast was gone and took off again at full sprint. Never slackening his pace, Shinji stayed focused on the skull like face and its gathering blast as he continued to rocket towards it. Just as the face disappeared behind the white light, the Eva shot to the ground. A nearby mountain lit up into thousands of pebbles and a bright cross as the blast passed over the sliding Eva. Zeruel looked down as the Eva landed in a couch right at his base. Not missing a beat, the angel shot out his one good arm in counterattack. Unfortunately, the angel's one good arm lined up with the Eva's one _not_ good arm, and Shinji only winced slightly as some dead, pink flesh was sliced off before he sprung from his crouch into an uppercut. The squat, black angel was sent flying up, back, and down into another cluster of trees.

Shinji closed his eyes and let out a small breath, relived his baseball slide strategy had worked. When he opened them, however, he noticed his crotch was missing.

 _What the—?_

Shinji began frantically examining the rest of his body, finding his chest, groin, feet, and arms up to the biceps were barely visible in the LCL.

 _It's like I'm being censored in a cheap anime..._

Utterly baffled, he shook his head to clear his thoughts once again, and looked to his right. Through the trees, a small glimmer of red caught his eye. The severed arm of Unit Two. He walked over and picked it up, noting that, _apparently_ , rigor mortis affects Evas as well. Shinji turned back to his opponent and smiled.

 _This is it._

Unit 01 stalked slowly through the trees, gradually closing the distance between itself and the fourteenth angel. Even for the angel of strength, being sent flying through the air and landing on what was effectively the base of its neck, or its spine, or whatever was there, was enough to leave it a bit hazy. Finally righting itself with its AT-Field, Zeruel began once again to charge its energy attack.

"Rule twenty–two!" Shinji called out.

 **ROCKETTO PAAAANCHI!**

AT-Fields are useful for many, _many_ things. Given enough imagination and willpower, they can essentially be used _however_ one wishes, like the Swiss army knife of Mecha. Invulnerable shields. Jump booster that can essentially fly. Forming blades that can slice at the subatomic level. Firing rainbow beams that can penetrate the human psyche and play inappropriate music. Launching the severed arm of your best friend at Mach-3.

Eva 01's hand glowed yellow for the briefest of moments before he launched his red missile with a deafening boom. Like a bullet, it flew straight at the angel of strength, who barely had enough time to erect anything resembling an AT-Field. The red fist shot right through the center of the octagon and into Zeruel's boney face, knocking him once again flat on his back. He didn't even have a chance to see (or the time to mentally register) that the Eva had already closed the distance again until he felt the weight of the thing slam into him, as the Eva began a one-armed ground pounding.

"This...is impossible. It must be wrong!" Back at the base of the underground mountain, Maya stared wide-eyed at her computer. "How could Shinji's sync ratio with Unit One be over 400 percent?"

The bridge crew looked on in wide-eyed horror/awe/BSOD as the purple giant slammed its fist repeatedly into the small skull face.

 _Damn this thing is hard,_ Shinji noted as his hand started to throb from jamming the steel-like substance. He could feel it had been loosened by the red bullet that had nearly drilled through it earlier, but pure percussive force could only do so much.

 _New tactic._

The giant good arm of Unit 01 paused in its fury before reaching behind its lower back and withdrawing a long, progressive blade.

 **Kotetsu!**

The speakers from his shoulder pylons carried Shinji's voice to the outside as he switched his weapon to a forehand grip. The angel was not one to let this momentary pause go, however, as it made another attempt with the thin arm it had left. Shinji cried out in pain as his shoulder was sliced clean off at the joint, before he returned the favor and removed the angel's arm with his progressive wakizashi. Switching again to a reverse grip, he stopped the beam charging in the angel's face with a thrust through the right eye. The top half of the angel's skull ripped loose as Shinji twisting the blade and pulled it down the torso before the blade unceremoniously snapped off just above the core. Undeterred, Shinji discarded the now-useless handle and resumed pounding on his opponent's face. Not relenting in the slightest, the Shinji shoved his fist down the angel's...we'll call it a neck—and grabbed hold of something soft and warm before pulling his fist back for another shot. He stared, blinking, at the small, pulsing organ (for lack of a better word), for several seconds, before he heard a small, feminine voice in the back of his mind.

 _You should eat that._

Now, something even smaller in the back of his mind told Shinji that, under _normal_ circumstances, eating this weird organ was not something he would do, but right now, the logic seemed unassailable. He really _should_ eat it. Besides, the voice was warm and soft and comforting, so it probably wasn't steering him wrong. So, with a shrug of his shoulders (that made the bridge crew recoil and twitch in interest/confusion/fear) he shoved the thing in his mouth and began to chow down. It had a tangy, metal taste, kind of like LCL, and, strangely, chicken, and it was quite chewy and hard to get down. But, having survived on Misato's instant meals (and, God forbid, her actual cooking), he'd had worse, and gulped the last bit down with only a small shudder.

There. That wasn't so bad.

Oh. Wait.

 _There_ it was.

It started with a small fire in his gut. Not like when Zeruel had blasted the core earlier, no, this one was warmer, and...more turbulent. Then, without warning, the warmth shot throughout his entire body, his shoulders trembling. He could physically _feel_ his muscles bulging. The armor on his shoulder and chest creaked under the stress before shattering completely. He stood for a moment, breathing, relishing his victory before lifting his head and fist to the sky.

 ** _YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!_**


End file.
